vrijdag 8 oktober 2010
Gastropods
Not having time to eat, means that life has triumphed. Days start and end in a haze. No time to comb my hair, no time to read a book, no time to answer emails, no time to write, no time to lough, no time to live. Where is time? Where has it all gone? Who deprived us from our leisure? Arranging bills, ordering furniture, opening bank accounts, sub-renting rooms and taking pictures of garages. What is life? IKEA shopping. Just don't want to be here most of the time. And it's always been like that. Counterbalance all this with researching river catchments in Indonesia and deforestation rates in Costa Rica. Home work case studies: An Earth-system perspective of the global nitrogen cycle. Wake up and ask myself, what am I doing here, why did I chose this. Better never ask these questions again. Let it all go, let myself go even if it is a struggle. It is always a struggle and it shouldn't be. Search for peace and simplicity in every day's niches. A cup of tea, a warm embrace, a sunny morning. Learn the features of all gastropods, go to the beach and name them all. Bake birthday cakes at midnight. What else could I do? Please help. I'm lost again.
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So familiar. No real piece of advice I could offer, though. When I feel this way, I tell myself that this shall pass, too. Good or bad, it's all transient.
What's freaking me out is this constant mental absence. My thoughts are never here, never in this reality, always wanting to be someplace else, making plans, imagining new directions. And it's this, right here, right now, that matters. Regardless if its black or white, sad or jolly, it's all we have – the gloomy , objective and throbbing reality. Of course it will pass, everything does, what I want to know is how to dive into it without waiting for the future to take it away. It's art in the making. :D
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